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Text - Humor - Products We Probably Don't Need.txt
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2003-08-15
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Products We Probably don't need
Electric Shocking Pager
Your employees will never forget a meeting with these helpful
reminders strapped to their bodies. This unbreakable device will
deliver a painful electric shock to notify them of all pending
appointments and approaching deadlines. Not legal for use on
livestock.
Shrieking Sonic Mind Mangler
Put on this sleek "virtual reality" helmet and you're guaranteed
to clear your mind in under a minute! Blinding strobe lights and
screeching stereophonic sirens will overwhelm your senses in a
cacophony of stimuli. Requires ten D batteries, not included.
Stress Enhancement Tapes
Don't lull yourself to complacent slumber with sounds of ocean waves
& forest breezes; pop in these jarring cassettes and keep your edge!
Feel your skin crawl as the sound of braking trolley cars, multi
vehicle highway accidents, and low-flying jets assaults your ears
on the Urban Rhythms tape. Thrill to the sounds of screeching howler
monkeys defending their territory on Shrieks of Nature! Forty-seven
tapes in all. Hurry ! Supplies are limited.
The Enchanted Chalkboard
Spend a thrilling evening with Itchi, Peruvian master of the Musical
Chalkboard, as his talented fingernails scratch out your favorite
tunes on this four album collection. Every hair on your body will
stand on end during his half-hour scraped rendition of Moon River.
Be moved to tears by his masterful two-handed interpretation of
Chariots of Fire. Perfect for the office!
FlossTracker
How many times has this happened to you: you just gorged yourself
on roast beef and corn on the cob, yet you discover you're now
out of dental floss! Well, you'll never be without floss again
with FlossTracker, the advanced software solution from FlossWare.
Record your hourly flossing activity in the Spreadsheet Module
to generate an exhaustive statistical profile of your floss
consumption, complete with three-dimensional distribution plots
and histograms. FlossTracker will even monitor your current floss
inventory, projecting your floss needs for the coming weeks and
automatically ordering additional floss as necessary from the
nearest FlossWare Regional Distribution Center. FlossTracker
requires a Pentium PC with 32MB of RAM, 1.2GB of storage space,
an atomic clock, a Romulan cloaking device, and Windows 95.